Newport Manners & Etiquette: Holiday Wedding Engagement, Hosting Essentials, & More
Wednesday, November 22, 2017
Best festive questions to Didi Lorillard this week at NewportManners were about holiday manners and etiquette for wedding engagements, hosting essentials, fending off Christmas houseguests, and how to make a holiday toast. Stay safe, healthy and happy everybody! My sincerest gratitude to my family, friends and the Redwood Writers' Circle.
Holidays are the perfect time for becoming engaged
Q. So I have the ring and I'm asking her parents for my girlfriend's hand in marriage over the holidays. Mainly because it's so awkward having to answer the same questions every year from her family about when we're getting married and where would we like to get married, etc. The pressure is ridiculous, but we've so busy. We want to get married and now that my girlfriend's finishing up her dissertation, it seems like a sane time for the long-overdue engagement announcement. How can I make asking her fun? Name Withheld
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A. What's more magical and romantic than a holiday proposal? Give her a present (the ring boxed and wrapped) Thanksgiving eve or Christmas. Then you can announce your engagement to assembled family members the following day. You want all the siblings and their families to find out at the same time.
Make the announcement, assuming both she and her parents are into this, as a toast before dinner during cocktails.
- While trimming the tree Christmas Eve, have her discover the ring as an ornament hanging from the tree.
- What could be more fun than ice skating at night? Skate out into the center of the rink and get down on your knee right there to propose to her. Hopefully, it will be gently snowing.
- Personally, I always thought being proposed to in the shower would be very sexy, but you wouldn't want the wrapped ring box soaking wet.
Most important essentials for first-time holiday entertaining
Q. I've never entertained for a major holiday and I think I'm in way over my head. Can you give me some tips on how to make my first foray a success? LB, Portland, OR
A. No worries. Here's a check-off list.
- Invitation List: About a month out, find out from a few of your favorite friends and family if they are able to attend on the date you've chosen. If one date, doesn't work, try another. Build on your party core of guests well in advance.
- Choosing the date: Better yet, say that you're thinking of one or two dates, and ask which would work best for them.
- Personalize your invitation to reflect the season, occasion, or place (location) where you're holding your party.
- Mix and match, invite a diversity of friends: Choose from varying ages and different backgrounds -- people whom you know from the most important arenas of your life.
- Don't turn down help. If a guest offers to bring a festive dip, side dish or dessert or do something to pitch in say, YES. They'll be more committed to showing up when they receive your invitation if they're contributing to the festivities. But do confirm two days in advance to give them a final head count of attendees. And to find out exactly what they're bringing, and how they intend to help out.
- Delegate: They say they want to help, so let them bring appetizers, play bartend and bring a bag of ice, light the candles and/or fireplace, pass canapés, etc.
- Keep a list of who is doing or bringing what.
- Have backups: start bagging ice cubes into your freezer, stocking up on nuts, olives, and cheese and crackers to put out. If the friend who is bringing the appetizers is late, at least you'll have snacks for your guests.
- Ahead of time, prepare as much as possible.
- If you don't cook, investigate ahead of time where you can buy prepared foods, which you can always personalize with parsley and colorful garnish. Nobody cares if you've bought the gluten-free apple crisp because you're serving it with really good vanilla ice-cream.
- Don't experiment when hosting. Use your tried and true recipes.
- Cook the turkey or ham the day before.
- Set the dinner table and children's table (if you're having enough kids) ahead of time..
- Chill the wine and beer. Figure out if you need coolers.
- Ask someone else to make an appetizer.
- Have a good time with any children in the house and let them make pumpkin pies to scent the house with holiday spices.
- Encourage kids to be creative by making decorative place cards.
How to handle the delirious Christmas houseguest and it's not Santa
Q. I just got a text from a friend, whom we socialize with over the summer, asking if she and her husband could stay in our guesthouse for the week of Christmas. Her text began: BIG ASK. I'll say. that's a big ask!
They stayed in our guesthouse for a week last May for their daughter's wedding and we went all out, without feeling much appreciation in return. Inexplicably, I immediately texted SURE. But now we're having a change of thought. We really don't enjoy their company very much and, as I said, we don't feel appreciated. How do we get out of this? RK, Newport
A. As soon as you read this, text your would-be-Christmas-houseguest to say, "I answered your BIG ASK text too quickly. We cannot possibly have you staying with us for a week over Christmas. We have other plans." Leave it at that. No lies (the Plans could be that you hadn't really planned on having them to visit). If she asks why not? Say, "It is not a good time for us to have houseguests." Should she persist. say, "Xmas week is not a good time to visit."
How to make the really perfect toast
Q. As a guest, do I toast the hostess and host on behalf of our side of the family? We're having a holiday dinner at the home of our daughter-in-law's parents for the first time. I don't know what's expected. Does it matter whether my wife gives the host or do I have to? Public speaking is not my thing and under pressure I'm apt to stutter. JW, Providence
A. Overcome your speaking challenges for the holidays. Make your toast as brief as possible. Only a sentence or two is needed at a holiday dinner.
Be a great toaster
- Rehearse your two or three sentences in the mirror ahead of time.
- Make eye contact with those assembled but certainly don't stare at the same the person the whole time.
- Handle nerves and don't fiddle with the hand that isn't holding your glass.
- You don't have to be a storyteller. Give a natural toast that sounds as though you sincerely appreciate spending time with all who have come together to celebrate...
People love a toast, even a bad one. Toasts aren't only given by men, so bow to your wife and let her deliver the toast. The important thing about giving a toast is to look at her or him to reply in gratitude.
Didi Lorillard researches manners and etiquette at NewportManners for her forthcoming book.
Related Slideshow: 25 Things You Must do This Fall in New England - 2017
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